Massage Parlor Etiquette: Happy Endings Really Do Cum True

massage-with-happy-ending-1

Massage parlors can be a great way to use your lunch break from work.  For less than what you’d spend on a pair of basic shoes or a good dinner, you get rubbed down, blown, and get to cum on some woman’s breasts that you just met.

Most guys get inspired to try this venture after hearing a friend’s story of an existing local parlor that they happened to stumble upon.  They hear the stories of varying exotic and beautiful women, enjoyable table showers, mediocre massages, professional hand jobs, amazing blow jobs and explosive breast releases, and it becomes a necessity for them to check it out.

For all of you newbies who have yet to try this gem of the man’s world, I’m laying out a few guidelines to ensure your first visit provides you with the happy ending you’ve been dreaming about.

Wash your balls

Clean your whole body, for that matter.  After all, you’re going to a place to have a stranger rub you down and fondle your junk.  Have some fucking courtesy.  Some places have showers, but don’t expect them to.  Come prepared.  No girl is going to want to spend much time in a room with you if you stink to high heaven.

To-440x267Bring Cash

This should be a given.  Some places accept plastic, but they want a paper trail even less than you do.  Either way, when it comes down to the “extras” you’ll want to get along with your massage, you’ll need the cash to negotiate and cover those goodies.  You’re not going to want to interrupt your session to run out of the room with a hard on to swipe your card.

Bring at least $200.  You’ll probably only need $100, but it’s always a good idea to bring along some extra financial padding.  If it’s a full service place, she may work you up enough to where you’ll need that extra Benjamin.  Remember, there’s really no limit to how much you could spend on a session.  For those sick fucks out there with extra kinky requirements, most girls are willing to oblige for the right price, but you’ll need to bring even more cash.

Learn The Language

Don’t walk in and ask some stupid shit like, “Can I fuck her?”  Most places won’t discuss details like that at the front desk.  All the extras are worked out and agreed upon in the back room.  They’ll always ask if you’ve been there before.

There are only two acceptable responses: 1. “Yeah, but’s it’s been a while” or “Not here, but I’ve had non-therapeutic massages before”.  This is an easy way for you to let them know that you’re cool and know what time it is.

Usually, the girl who greets you at the counter is the girl on deck.  If she’s not your style, don’t worry.  There are tactful ways to get another girl without coming across like a fucking asshole.  If she’s white, ask if they have any foreign girls.  If she’s blonde, ask if they have any brunette girls.  You get the idea.

mqdefaultThe only thing you’ll want to discuss at the desk is the amount of time you want your session to last.  Remember, all the extras will be discussed in the back.

You’ll then be led to the massage room.  They’ll ask you to get comfortable and leave you alone for a moment.  Get naked, lay down on the table, and wait for their return.  If you don’t get naked, they’ll think you just want a normal, therapeutic massage, and you’ll kill your happy ending.

When she gets back, she’ll give you some options.  Typically, it’ll be whether you want her topless, in a g-string or completely naked.  If they give you these options, you’re fucking golden.  This is a confirmation of sorts that you will be releasing a load before leaving.

Now’s the time to work out your desired “extras”.  Normally, your massage, at its most basic, will include your rub down, hand job and release.  ”Extras” will include breast release, blow jobs, facials, fucking, etc.  Don’t be afraid to ask these girls for whatever your disgusting little heart desires; they’ve heard it all.  Just be nice about it.  If you’re warm, friendly and charming during this process, you’ll increase your chances of getting what you want without breaking the bank.

Don’t wait until after the massage portion of your session or the middle of your hand job to work out any extra details.  By then, all the blood would have left your brain and made its way down to your junk.  She’ll be aware of this fact, and you’ll get taxed to high heaven.

Be Suave, Asshole

Even if you’re a dick to girls on the day-to-day, you’ll want to be a smooth character when in the parlor.  If you’re nice from the get go, make her laugh and feel comfortable, you’ll only increase your chances of having an awesome time.

Keep in mind, she may be at work, but she wants to have a nice time at work as much as anyone else.  If she enjoys her time with you, she may just give you extra time and attention, if only to avoid the crapshoot that the next customer represents.  Be smart.

asian-massage-knightsbridgeKeep Shit In Check

Expectations can be a bitch.  Don’t walk in and expect to see a line-up of eastern European supermodels or a team of hot Asians that are dying to fuck you.  If it’s your first time there and the parlor has had close calls with the boys in blue, you may end up getting a standard massage with no bust.

Hopefully, you heard about the place you go to from a friend and have previous confirmation that the place is a “full service” type of place.  But if that’s not the case, be prepared to be disappointed on your first go around.  If you aren’t offered any options before your massage starts, politely ask if they are full service.  That way, you’ll know up front what the deal is and potentially put the girl at ease that you’re cool and looking to squirt.

For you guys out there that get sentimental and find yourselves feeling bad for the girl and her station in life, DON’T.  This is her job.  It’s what she does to earn a living.  You don’t tear up when you see a bus boy clearing your table, so don’t feel bad for her.

Follow these tidbits of advice, keep it cool and relax.  If you do, you’ll have a great experience, and you’ll have one more way to escape the rigors of daily life and get your jollies off.  

Good luck, perverts!

 

Comments

comments

Comments
  1. Real Massage Therapist

    This is outrageous. It’s stupid articles like this that give a completely false impression about the massage therapy industry.

    No you can not get a handjob, blowjob, or any other job at a massage parlor. And asking for it is completely disgusting.

    Totally shameful.

    • The Doctor

      We here at DudeShit truly appreciate your feedback, Real Massage Therapist. In all honesty, I believe you’re absolutely correct. When I went to the massage parlor, I probably just fell asleep during my therapeutic massage and just dreamt of ejaculating and paying the young woman the agreed upon $100.

      Consider me…ashamed. :)

    • The Patient

      “This is outrageous. It’s stupid articles like this that give a completely false impression about the massage therapy industry.”

      Where do you live!!???

      Have you been to every single Massage Parlor in America!!???

      Or 15% of them at least!!??? (that’s all it takes for a breakthrough)

      This happens everywhere! And not one single bit of this article was false or over-hyped. Besides, what’s so bad about that being the true face of the massage therapy industry? it doesn’t take anything from you or tarnish your trade. You shouldn’t try to seem so assured and confident when sharing a subjective opinion.

      To be precise, sex is natural and it’s everywhere, the true origin of disgust in this case lies within the fact that they are doing it in exchange for money because otherwise they’d probably be broke or hooking, nothing else. So if you want, you can beat around it and drive yourself up a wall in two minutes, or you can own that shit.

  2. Masturbate Me

    “This is outrageous. It’s stupid articles like this that give a completely false impression about the massage therapy industry.”

    I think someone needs her hair did and might be confusing a massage parlor with a massage at a spa.

    Where I come from, and I believe everywhere that I have been, massage parlors are welcome as they provide the city relief with their share of taxes on a big ticket item and help ease STD rates as spread within the prostitution industry.

    Alternatively, a spa provides relief for a wife as she can put her husband in the hands of a clean gay guy while she gets her facial and hope that the slight stimulation that he receives by the accidental brush of the masseuses hand upon his penis keeps him from requesting sex for at least a month, or until her hair needs did!

  3. Anal

    They also do anal for 150 bucks :D

  4. JSTYLES

    For those IDIOTS that thinks this article is fake and outrages, you people are 200% WRONG.

    There are REAL Massage Parlor that do provide “full service” but not by the legitimate ones, this are the people that are whining about it in the comments section. Now some of you are going to ask “how do you know?” I’ll tell how I know, cos I have been to this place’s from time to time. And just like the article said be cool and you’ll get an happy ending at the end. there’s few things they fail at. Here’s the 441

    1. You don’t need to take 200 bucks at a parlor, cos Massage Parlors ALWAYS have massage from $40 for 30 min or $60 for an hour. all you need to take about $140 or $160.

    2. The Massage Parlors ALWAYS have close call from the boys in blue.

    3. For the people that like kinky stuff, some massage parlor can provide it and some don’t, just ask.

    4. The negations with the Masseuse are always $100 bucks for everything, so if a masseuse is asking for $100 and upward don’t get it, cos they are ripped you off. Might as well get yourself an escort for those price.

    5. Be safe ALWAYS, ALWAYS take a condom with you, cos some Massage Parlor don’t carry condoms and some of them do. So just to be safe for and your masseuse take a condom, if your masseuse doesn’t have one tell them you do. But MOST of time parlors do carry them.

    Note: FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE MASSAGE THERAPISTS AND WORK ON A LEGITIMATE ONE, PLEASE DON’T CONSIDER YOURSELF’S AS MASSAGE PARLOR COS YOUR NOT. DON’T POST YOURSELF ON CRAIGLIST LISTING THAT YOU GUYS ARE MASSAGE PARLORS JUST TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS.

  5. Laura

    Hi, im a woman Anyone knows for a non-therapeutic massage parlor for women in NY? :)

    • Douchegado

      Laura, I’m pretty sure any red blooded American male would be more than willing to fulfill that need.

    • Dylan

      Laura, Laura, Laura…. Are u still looking for that massage release? I would be v happy to oblige… Send me a message ;-) nydylen@gmail.com

  6. YOU'RE AN IDIOT

    You’re a fucking moron, dude. LMT’s (go look it up, idiot) are highly trained professionals with a vast amount of anatomical knowledge of the central nervous system, skeletal and muscular structures. What they do is healing, don’t be a fucking douchebag that has to pay someone for a handjob and respect the field of massage therapy AND women. Child-less? Not by choice you piece of shit. I’ve been married for 11 years, I use my higher education, we both work, I have an amazing life, and I respect women. I AM A MAN. You are a pathetic little boy.

  7. That Guy

    YOU’RE AN IDIOT:

    I think it’s responsible that the author didn’t dignify your post with a response. However, I have time on my hands today, and I feel like stepping in. Denying what you feel on a day to day basis is something that I consider to be less than adult. To leave such feelings pent up is actually extremely unhealthy. I’m saying this in a manner that refers to consensual sex. Not molestation or rape. That requires seeking out real medical help, which unfortunately, most of those people don’t do.

    I say this speaking from experience. I have been single for nine years because I’m very timid. I’m very good looking, and many girls have come on to me. However, because of my depression and total lack of self-esteem I only realize what happened only when it’s too late. Nine years is an incredible amount of time. It only worsens depression, and feelings of worthlessness. I started chatting on sex sites this week. The first day sent my confidence through the roof. Talking to girls (hopefully they are who they say they are, lol) in this way broke down a lot of sexual tension and negative feelings towards sex, of which I had many. I’m able to talk about my feelings and fetishes in a safe environment. I plan on going to seek out true release this weekend in a safe and respectful manner. Promiscuity doesn’t mean being disrespectful to women. The two are mistakenly lumped together because a lot of people who are are typically assholes. It’s not the case at all. I used to feel so guilty about these feelings, but it’s only because society stigmatizes it so much. You have fallen prey to such misconceptions.

    A real man OWNS who they are, and tries to live his life in a responsible manner. If you think that simply having a family and earning a degree makes you one, you are sorely mistaken, my friend. You are very bigoted, and possess an uninformed view on this topic. You need to take stock of your own life, and really discover who you truly are.

    • Douchegado

      That Guy,

      Please send me an email at ric@dudeshit.com – I think I have a couple of things that may be able to help you out. One of the purposes of this site is to bring open and honest conversation about male sexual desires without shame, so it’s good to hear you’re finding ways to release that.

      Good luck on your journey, but please email me.

      Ric

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